Libertarianism, 13, Dies in Argentina Chainsaw Accident
It was preceded in death by conservatism, which fell to a terminal case of fascism in 2016.
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The political ideology known as libertarianism died yesterday in Argentina at the age of thirteen.
While it had been around for quite a bit longer, its basic concepts never progressed beyond the early stages of adolescent brain development. Libertarianism—which asserted that society would be better off with minimal government, laws, and taxes—succumbed after chainsaw-wielding Argentine President Javier Milei asked the United States for a massive economic bailout due to his catastrophic leadership.
Milei, a werewolf-clown hybrid in a suit who once hired a spirit medium to communicate with his dead dog, swept into office promising a libertarian-inflected miracle in Argentina. In an early preview of Elon Musk’s DOGE, he slashed government and social spending. Earlier this year, an essay published on the website of the libertarian Cato Institute mocked his critics as doomsayers who “warned that the profane self-described libertarian—who looks more like a still-touring ’80s rockabilly singer than the classically trained economist he actually is—would inflict on Argentina’s already-beleaguered economy ‘deep recession,’ ‘devastation,’ ‘economic collapse,’ and all sorts of other economic horribles.”
But the critics were correct. Instead of miracles, the self-described “anarcho capitalist” has delivered shocking disaster: collapsing institutions, chronic inflation, and the awkward realization that screeching about free markets doesn’t put bread on the shelves.
Born from Ayn Rand paperbacks, pulp science fiction novels, and Austrian School daydreams, libertarianism never matured beyond a sophomore debate-club rant. In the 21st century, it briefly experimented with cryptocurrency, “sovereign” sea colonies, and Ron Paul rallies. But it eventually burned out in a haze of political incompetence and incoherence.
Libertarianism is survived by Silicon Valley billionaires, a handful of “think tanks” funded by oil companies, several unmoderated Reddit threads, and Curtis Yarvin. It was preceded in death by conservatism, which fell to a terminal case of fascism in 2016.
A private service will be held in a Cayman Islands trust. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made directly to Argentina’s IMF repayment schedule.
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